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This post is done in a journaling style called "Free Writing" - part of a writing sequence I teach to clients to help them get to the bottom of issues, or even just to clear out emotional clutter...it is part of Kim's assignment this week in Beyond Layers...
Fear. I know there is a block in my brain about this because when asked to name my fears I cannot. I don't even really acknowledge immediately that I have any. But I still hear its whispers. It is like it is in another place than my conscious awareness, but still there ready to immobilize me when I can't control if I pay attention to it or not. But is that true? I think if I paid attention to it I would be able to work through it...somewhere I read that fear is something that we deal with every day and being afraid doesn't stop the thing we are afraid of from happening to us. I did realize earlier this year when working through the topic that I was afraid of being successful, that I didn't "know" what that person looked like and that somehow my friends and family wouldn't recognize me and wouldn't like me? Weird, but there it was. Now I realize that there is more fear...fear of rejection is there. Fear of failure? No, I haven't been able to succeed for whatever reason in over a year, so I am used to failure. I think perhaps there is a fear that isn't well defined, that is just floating - that is the subconscious fear. I have tried to battle it by learning, knowledge...there it is! Fear of not knowing the right thing,of doing something "wrong"! Irrational, nothing bad will happen if I do it "wrong" - my husband supports me, so financial chaos isn't even a concern! Interesting, interesting. I am turning around and facing this fear, embracing this fear, not viewing it as the monster it can become, but as a real part of my human nature. It doesn't have a life of its own. It is just there to tell me of the need for fight or flight, but more often, that I am simply out of my comfort zone. I spent time over the Christmas break examining if I was out from God's will, and He overwhelmingly confirmed that I was being led by His Holy Spirit. Perhaps all this is part of the preparation process, and I know sweet tweener is in a season of desperately needing me...I can totally trust God to be in control of all this - I just need to show up and work on the therapeutic art ideas that are swimming around inside of me! I also think about how, in the scripture, there are at least 365 times that He says "fear not". I have always thought about those places as applying to those souls who deal with concrete, conscious fears and who haven't yet had the opportunity to grow to that place of trust in the Lord to know, to really know, that they don't have to be afraid - major fear, you know? The sort of fear I walk alongside clients to help them face, to be Jesus with skin on as they learn and grow. But those places can also help me when I wonder if anyone will like what I am creating, whether there is a market, am I doing this "right", and so on...the non-major issues that He cares about just as deeply as the major...
"Fear not" He whispers in a chuckle. (I think I just got an idea for Kim's whisper assignment - finally!) Why am I not enjoying this total freedom?!
I remember when I was confident and "knew" in a right and strong way that I had good answers and good instincts...I just didn't have support or understanding on how to move through the blocks that life itself would throw in my way...but I have learned...
"Fear not!" One phrase whispered in my spirit for each time fear whispers in my mind.
I think I am finally understanding...a deeper level of becoming. A deeper level of healing self-rejection (oh yes, I did that, the self-rejection thing). Fear can be my teacher, my cue to spend some time with Him, contemplating the issue...
Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom - Luke 12:32 KJV Fear not, for I am with you...Isaiah 43:5 ESV Fear not, daughter of Zion; behold, your king is coming...John 12:15 ESV Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice, for the LORD has done great things...Joel 2:21 ESV